With Hope

I am happy to report that I went 24 hours without taking Tylenol!  My temp stayed fairly normal for most of the day yesterday then climbed last night to 100.2, but went back down to 99.7. I ended up taking Tylenol just so that I could sleep without worrying that my temperature would get out of control. I still have some symptoms, but the fever does seem to be going away. Thank you God! Hopefully, it stays normal tonight and we can start putting this behind us. (It ended up rising a bit again, but not much yet!)

Being separated from my family for two weeks was extremely hard. I would go outside to get fresh air and say hi to my children, but I stayed apart from my kids. I didn’t go downstairs to play or spend time with them for fear of exposing them to COVID (Thankfully, I don’t have that. I tested negative, plus spoke with an infectious disease doctor).

I am scheduled for an echocardiogram on Monday to make sure the AC treatment didn’t damage my heart. This is a routine procedure they do to patients who have received AC. Tuesday I will be returning to chemotherapy. Ten more weeks of this bad boy and on to the next step. It is not an enjoyable experience, but it is necessary…I pray I don’t have anymore setbacks and I can return to complete health and stay there!

My friends, church, and family have sent cards, prayers, gifts, and so much love. My family has spoiled me with many days in bed, special meals made like my favorites from restaurants, and plenty of love and hope. Saying thank you will never be enough, but I hope you know how much I value you, your friendship, your concern, your prayers, and the love and hope you give me to keep going. You are all incredible.

This Mother’s Day I am thankful to be back giving my children and husband hugs. I am thankful to have a team looking out for me. I told my sister when she was diagnosed a few years ago you are allowed to be angry, to be fearful, to have your feelings…I love that I have had friends that have basically said the same thing to me. God doesn’t expect us to live without fear or anger or disappointment. It’s okay to have bad days, we’re human. Thank goodness we have a God who understands.

“I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.” –Psalm 34:4

I do struggle with anxiety during this time in my life…but I have a lot of help from family, friends, and God. This week Courtney, one of my best friends for life, shared a song that sums up the last few weeks perfectly. It’s by JJ Heller and it’s called “You Already Know.” Thank you Courtney. It’s true. God already knows.

Jeremiah 29:11 popped into my head this morning:

“For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

It has been a rough week.  Ever since Covid 19 started being in the news, while there were only a few cases in the United States, I have been worried about catching Covid.  Last Thursday I woke up tired and with a headache… I wanted to stay in bed.  While on chemotherapy that sometimes happens, but it didn’t happen to that extent on Taxol yet to me.  I was only on my second treatment.  AC, the treatment I finished, caused me to stay in bed a couple days after.  Thursday afternoon, the fever arrived. What was going on?  Great.  Was this related to the Taxol?

The fever had me calling in.  They said I could take 2 extra strength Tylenol every 6 hours.  They said Taxol doesn’t do this.  Now I was a little scared.  The only place I have been for months has been the cancer center… not a park… not a store… not to pick up take out.  All of our food is being delivered and wiped down outside prior to being brought in.  I have worn a mask to the cancer center before it was required and bring a bottle of hand sanitizer I use frequently… I don’t touch elevator buttons, but use a napkin which I immediately throw away… How can this be happening?  No one has left my house in months… except for Ron driving me to appointments.  He works from home.  So to find myself over a week later still with a fever is concerning.  My doctor and my family don’t think I have Covid… but it is possible that I do.  In any case, can it please go away?

I missed chemotherapy this week.  If I’m not healthy then I am thankful not to do it… but now I have two obstacles to overcome.  It’s not easy.  The verse Jeremiah 29:11 has been very helpful today.  Reminding me that God does have plans for me.  It is very hard to be patient with so much fear.  My husband is tired.  I am tired… Tired of these hurdles.  I am grateful to my sister who has remained strong and encouraging.  I can do this, but it is unreal.  How do I stay positive when I am so scared?  I want to live.  My doctor said I am doing well… but how long is this going to go on?  I wake up 2-3 times a night completely drenched.  I want answers.  I want to be in control of my body… I am not.

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” 

— Jeremiah 29:11

“but those who hope in the Lord

    will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

    they will run and not grow weary,

    they will walk and not be faint.”

— Isaiah 40:31

“The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still.”

— Exodus 14:14

Chocolate pie and roast…yes please.   The rules of no red meat can go out the window this week.  This is a celebration of love people.  It’s our Anniversary week.  Ron and I got married 6 years ago.  We have not had the easiest start, and yet, we are incredibly strong together.  I love you, Ron. 

This week is also Holy Week.  I thank Jesus for walking beside us on our journey, for guiding us through our fears, and for quieting the storms in our lives. 

My sister, who is my super hero right now, deserves praise.  Helping me get the rest I need to function has given me strength. 

Doctors and nurses have also encouraged me… Their instrumental support and knowledge have lifted me up during this time of endless questions. 

My friends and family, some of whom I have yet to thank, have given me hope in the midst of these trials. 

To the rest of the world, I give my thanks for staying home… Thank you for considering me not expendable due to COVID-19.  I know it’s rough right now.  Some of you have lost jobs or income, others have lost time alone as you now care for and educate your children full time.  Because of your actions, we can have hope of getting through this together.  Truly, I thank you. 

Zoey and Ian, you are my sunshine, my joy, my beauty… I love you always and forever.

In other news… my cancer is shrinking!  The mass did feel extremely large and in charge, like it had grown more than 3x its size for a few weeks, but it is now going away.  The doctor can’t feel it, and I only sometimes feel something there.  Who knows if it is cancer or inflammation.  Here’s hoping for the best!  My first four treatments, supposedly the hard ones, are over!  Thank God!  AC (the chemo regimen I was on, a.k.a “the red devil”) you were a beast.  Anytime I think of you I get nauseous.  I still have more chemo sessions to go: Taxol, every single week for 12 more weeks.  They say this one can cause me to lose feeling in my fingertips and toes.  I can’t wait for this all to be over… The end.  

P. S. Please pray that I get better sleep…I am really struggling with it lately.  Thank you :).

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

— 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

In November of 2016 I decided to finally get genetic testing. It took months to get in. I was planning on becoming pregnant, but wanted to make sure that I was healthy first. I decided to have genetic testing done, my breasts checked, my ovaries looked at, etc. before I had my next child. Knowing my family history, these tests all frightened me. Could the results of these tests impact my decision to have another child?

The new year came with the heartbreaking news that my sister had breast cancer  (She has since beat it!)

It took months to get in for these appointments. In April of 2017 I had a breast biopsy: benign!  Then in May I received the dreaded news: A BRCA1 gene mutation was found. My life turned upside down. My initial thought was to get everything out as soon as possible. I didn’t want cancer if I could avoid it.

My husband really wanted another child, but would support me in whatever decision I made. If I listened to my heart I did too… and I didn’t know how much longer I had to try. I thought about adoption, but Ron really wasn’t on board with that…the wait time, the cost, the hoops. He wanted us to try for our own first.

I made an appointment at the high risk clinic. That summer I had another 4 biopsies of my breast (2 core needle and 2 MRI guided. These were not done on the same day.)  The wait between my appointments and finding out was brutal. Every time was a challenge for my husband and me to stay positive, to keep fears in check, and to keep my face dry.

Then came August. I had the long awaited appointment with the gynecological oncologist. I already knew I had a cyst that previously caused a lot of worry, but that my gynecologist wasn’t concerned about. I had an uncomfortable ultrasound to view my ovaries and, after seeing the cyst in my right ovary, an MRI.

That Friday, before I even got my results from the MRI, I received a phone call from the fertility clinic. They had scheduled us for an appointment on Monday. We knew nothing about it, and asked what the appointment was for. They said that the oncologist had referred me, and we could talk on Monday about our options. We hadn’t heard the results of the MRI, but this certainly didn’t sound good. I was sure I needed to have my ovaries removed and we wouldn’t have a chance to try on our own. I was really worried that I had cancer. We tried getting information from our oncologist, but her office would only say that we could talk at our appointment the next Wednesday. At this point we were angry and scared. We took Zoey to the zoo on Saturday and walked around in a haze.  It was a horrible wait… and super frustrating.

The reproductive endocrinologist eased my fears saying that the MRI showed that I had stage 4 endometriosis, not cancer… Phew! He recommended surgery followed by in-vitro fertilization. We asked, “Can’t we try first?”  We could after surgery.

The oncologist later informed me there was still a small chance that it was cancer and the only way of knowing was to have surgery to remove the mass. I had to wait another 2 months for surgery. I scheduled my surgery with my regular gynecologist, who I was most comfortable with. She removed the large cyst, my right Fallopian tube (which was partially blocked due to endometriosis), my appendix, as well as many adhesions. It was all cancer free.

After a bit of a wait, I could finally start trying to conceive.

I tried for 7-8 months with no success. Then on my first month back at the fertility clinic I took some hormonal meds and got pregnant. We were excited for a minute, then it became clear with several ultrasounds, blood checks, etc. that something wasn’t right. The little baby just didn’t happen. It never grew. It took 10 weeks for me to miscarry. On September 11th, 2018 I finally did. It was a painful experience, involving mini labor pains in the bathroom.

After my miscarriage I had a tomosynthesis mammogram of the left breast because I had felt some changes and it came back normal, no new areas of concern.  (I had been concerned over an area unrelated to where my cancer is now).

A little over a month after my miscarriage I found out I was pregnant again. (October 2018) No meds were initially taken, only after finding out I was pregnant did I take some helper hormones for a month. It surprised and delighted me: My little miracle! He was due on my mom’s birthday, but was born 7 days earlier on July 1, 2019 due to a planned c-section. He was and is perfect. I have cancer, but I also have an amazing light in my life… my little boy.  I have 2 beautiful little people who uplift me daily… and a supportive husband who continues to give me strength through his love.

…maybe I am. I am going to war.

I felt like I was in a movie as the razor made swipe after swipe…The battle lines are drawn and I can’t help but smile. There is something extremely funny about looking at a head that has been blonde for so long that I didn’t even realize how brown my hair was. Thank you for another positive, laugh filled moment Beautiful You!

P.S. Ron thinks I’m hot, which I find hilarious.

In recent news, I have lost almost all of the hair on top of my head.  After my shower the other day I was pondering how much I resembled a concentration camp survivor…not the best look.  Then I thought about all of the challenges concentration camp prisoners had to face and I was humbled.  I may not be able to keep food down all the time, but I am constantly given home cooked meals for my family, while they barely got a piece of bread.  Life may have its challenges right now, but I am not repeatedly bombarded with shouts of hate…Instead I am encouraged, lifted up, and loved by so many incredible people.  Thank you for your continued kindness.  You light up my world and make it a lovely place.

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I feel good, though apparently I am getting a bit menopausal…The hot flashes and night sweats are divine. The days following treatment are a wreck of sorts: nausea, dry heaving, extreme tiredness…a haze. Thank goodness for the relief of rest, recuperation, and a week off.

I went to Beautiful You yesterday and if anyone deserves funding, an award, recognition it is this place. I had tried on wigs two weeks prior at a store filled with mannequin heads and fake hair…If I’m honest, it was a bit overwhelming and I cried…It is a bit of an exaggeration to say it was traumatic, but it wasn’t pleasant.

Yesterday, I was in this beautiful salon with personalized care for women and children with cancer. I was the only client there and it was such a loving place. There were only a small number of wigs on display, they allowed me to choose what I liked, then grabbed more for me to try from drawers below. The woman, Kim, treated me like a princess. “You could be a wig model,” she said. Already helping me feel at ease and confident. I could do this, and she was there to walk me through it…to smooth away the rough edges, leaving me feeling just that…beautiful.

Leap over it, singing all the way.

Biopsy number 7??? of breasts…I have lost count. I found a lump before Christmas…It is small…I thought it could have been a clogged milk duct, but it didn’t go away…Cautious, unwilling to risk it to the high risk breast clinic I went.

“Yes,” the nurse practitioner said, “I feel it too. I am so glad that you came in” (I was due to go in 3 months later, this appointment was early). Getting in the car after the appointment, my worry started setting in. Then a simple song played on the radio as I drove away… “Fear Is a Liar” by Zach Williams. Reminding me that I need not fear, God is with me.

Found: A 1 cm mass, appearing similar to others…most likely a fibroadenoma…(benign)

Please. Please. Please. Let it be so. The radiologist seemed unconcerned, asking what my usual plan was. “I biopsy anything looking suspicious, even if it looks benign.” He stated the multiple risks of doing a biopsy while breastfeeding (I later learned the risks were small). He said I could schedule my biopsy now or wait 6 months when I was done breastfeeding…He acted like there was no rush.

Getting in the car I heard, “Happy” by Pharrell Williams…thinking the best. Yes!

Here I go again. I am walking with faith, knowing that sometimes things don’t work out the way we want them to…but trusting God to walk with me through another hurdle… A hurdle that is starting to feel common place.

The High Risk Breast Clinic said schedule the biopsy now! I agreed.

I received the call today (Thursday, January 30th, 2020), the day after my biopsy. It’s Invasive Ductal Carcinoma…Fabulous.

Good bye boobies. You fed my babies. But you no longer are my friends.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand.”

— Isaiah 41:10

I will be okay.

“Cause the sky has finally opened

The rain and wind stopped blowin’

But your stuck out in the same ol’ storm again.

You hold tight to your umbrella ☔️ well, darlin’, I’m just tryin’ to tell ya

That there’s always been a rainbow hangin’ over your head.”

— Kacey Musgraves

(P.S. I am not a country music fan, but one night Alexa saw fit to play me this song…and it found a way into my heart).

Update: After the initial biopsy at the cancerous site I have since had 2 more. One was to a lymph node that was tender and a tiny bit swollen, found by my future surgeon. That biopsy was a mess, the node kept rolling away and was too close to blood vessels (The core biopsy was unsuccessful, so the radiologist tried fine needle aspiration. That didn’t come back with any lymph tissue). The result is I don’t know if I have stage 1B or 2B triple negative invasive ductal breast cancer.

Biopsy 3 of this series was of a new lump I found midway through the week before chemo started. This one also on my left side. It is, thankfully, benign. Most likely related to breastfeeding, and possibly because I ended that rapidly.