Author: melissa

Today Zoey — dressed in shorts, a long-sleeved shirt, tutu, and butterfly wings — woke up her dad in the early hours to ask for help getting her black shoes on. “I have to look posh today for the wedding.  They are going to kick me out of the wedding if I don’t look posh!”  Happy Anniversary to Ron!  Ha!!!  Ian also belted out the “O O O O’ Reilly’s Auto Parts!” advertisement jingle in his crib this morning over and over (and over and over…).  It’s been an amusing day.

 We observed this special anniversary by ordering dinner from the restaurant that catered our wedding reception, a happy reminder of our wedding day.  Today wasn’t filled with dancing in formal attire, or getting together with many friends and family.  This day was filled with work and a laundry covered floor, a boy who refused to nap, a girl who was hard to please, and two exhausted parents (and a migraine, ugh!).  It was also filled with love, a nice walk, delicious food, and accomplishment.  

One year ago I was undergoing chemo treatment. The world was just beginning its pandemic craziness. We were climbing a giant hill…

This year we are reminded of the major battle we have won. I’m cancer free! We’ve gotten our first dose of the covid vaccine. We are reminded each and every day how funny our kids are. Thank you for traveling this road with me Ron… for the happy memories. Thank you for facing each mountain with me whether it’s laundry or health related. The laughs have been many and the true difficulties have been met with pure grit and perseverance.  I’m proud of us.  ❤️

The next couple months will be yet another adventure.  I am anxious to check 2020 off of the Crazy list, and start fresh with a new year!

This Friday, October 30th, I’m having my port removed (the little access device they put in by my collar bone to use for my Chemo treatments)  Yay!!  No more cancer, no more foreign object in my chest. (Ha! Not quite…)

On November 3, my sister will be returning to our home to help take care of the kiddos while I have another major surgery — a total hysterectomy — on November 6.  This will be a big step to helping prevent ovarian cancer and endometriosis.  Also, hello immediate menopause!  I don’t know how one prepares for all the things that come with that: Hot flashes, weight gain, etc…

My sister is planning on heading home on December 2.  Then on the 22nd I’ll have my second breast surgery to complete the reconstruction.  The plastic surgeon will remove the expanders/place holders that I’ve had in since my first surgery (I will not miss them), and put in actual implants (aka ‘foobs’).  During the surgery, they’ll take fat from my thighs to help smooth out the area (i.e. prevent rippling, which is more likely to happen in thinner women), cut through some chest muscles, and clean up some of the scarring from the first surgery. Oh the joys!  Afterwards, I’m supposed to wear compression shorts and take it easy for a while to recover… that shouldn’t be a problem, right? There’s nothing going on at the end of December that my kids would be excited about…  As with the hysterectomy and the mastectomy, I’ll be on lifting/pushing/pulling restrictions for a month and half, which means no picking up the kiddos again…

I’m incredibly eager for these surgeries to be done (and not get delayed!), and to move on with my life.  The pandemic, and all that’s come with it, has really complicated what was already going to be a stressful and tiring year.

2021, I’m ready for you!  Are you ready for me!?!?

Lately, I am filling my days with my beautiful children.  Even though Zoey’s school is all in person this year, we have chosen to keep her home for the time being because of health risks for our family. (Hi, COVID.  You are not welcome here.)  If there is a family who is still isolating, we are that family.  I really wish that Zoey could attend preschool with her friends.  She misses it.  I miss it.  However, we are absolutely making the best of things.  

Ian is at the stage in his development where he wants to walk/run everywhere all the time.  Constantly in motion, he tries to pull cords out of the wall, take everything apart, climb onto the bay window, and have what Zoey has.  He is adorable and also a handful.  I love him to pieces.  He is my little explorer.  

When Ian is outside in nature he is in his element.  He loves walking on the path in the church yard behind our house, picking up pinecones, sticks and rocks.  The weather has turned, and the past few days the rain has kept us indoors.  He is often at the window, looking out at the street, saying “Car! Car!”

My past life as a preschool teacher taught me many things.  One of them is that I value hands on learning.  During my days as a preschool teacher in Lansing (long ago) they sent me to a week long training on a learning format called “The Project Approach.”  I love it.  I believe this type of learning sets children of a young age up for success.   The structure allows educators to focus on the child’s interests.  The child chooses the topic that is explored.  The topic should be in a child’s environment and accessible.  I’ve tried to use that approach with my kids.

Zoey decided at the start of the year that she wanted to learn about the body.  How fitting, right!?!  After seeing me go to several doctors appointments, she already has asked the question: “What are cancer cells?” 

We also had this conversation:

Z:  “Mommy, could you be a doctor?”  

M: “I could be a doctor, but I would have to get the training first.” 

Z: “Would you get the training?”

M:  “No, honey.  I don’t want to be a doctor.”

Z:  “Can I be a doctor?”

M: “Yes, if you get the training… I believe that you have the capability to be a doctor someday, if that’s what you want to do.

The options are limitless baby girl, you have your whole life to decide.

So we have been exploring the body.  We first traced Zoey’s body on cardboard and then learned about the various organs and systems.  We have taken measurements, discussed our five senses, learned about bones, the digestive system, blood, our lungs, and heart.  We are not done yet.  It has been a few weeks and Zoey is still interested, but it is almost time for a new subject.  This one has been amazing for my girl.  She has loved learning about the body.  I have loved watching her grow.   

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At the follow-up appointment, after my surgery, the breast surgeon stated that she wasn’t sure whether or not I would need radiation. The issue was the swollen lymph node felt after my cancer diagnosis, and the subsequent unsuccessful biopsy (hello hot mess) of that lymph node.  All that meant there was no way to know whether the lymph node contained cancer prior to the start of chemotherapy treatment.  Doctors often decide the treatment path a cancer patient takes based on the initial cancer found prior to starting treatment.  What I remembered from that scary period of time was that the doctor found the swollen lymph node right after my initial biopsy and that I was trying to rapidly stop breastfeeding, so I had very swollen breasts. So… My case =  not simple.  She said she would take the problem to the tumor board to get the opinion of other doctors.  The tumor board includes oncologists, radiologists, and surgeons who decide on the best treatment route for a patient.

I received a phone call a week later. My doctor said that the tumor board decided it was unclear whether or not I should do radiation, and wanted me to meet with a radiation oncologist. Fabulous. Hearing those words made me want to cry. I did not want to do radiation. I did, however, want to make the best decision for my family and for my health. Obviously I don’t want cancer to return, but I also don’t want to take additional risks for my health if I don’t need to.

Later, we met with a radiation oncologist who said that there were three paths a patient like me could typically take. Basically, you can choose your own adventure. Remember those books? I loved them as a kid. After stating the three paths (Radiation, No Radiation, or a clinical trial/study involving radiation), he said that I was a “special case”. Yep, you heard that right, I am not typical nor have I ever been. Ha! He said that my case didn’t fit the criteria for the clinical trial, and there was research suggesting that even if the lymph node that the doctor found was a problem, my complete pathological response meant that I was better off not doing radiation anyway. So he said that if it were him, he wouldn’t do radiation. Do do do doooo! Charge! That is what I wanted to hear. I did have an aggressive form of cancer and it is one that if there are cancer cells, grows fast. There is always the chance that there could be some straggler cells hanging out, but I had a complete pathological response so I really just want to hope, pray, and believe that my cancer is completely gone. I have decided against doing radiation.

Where we are now:  

• Chemotherapy and double mastectomy completed
• About to start physical therapy
• Still frequently going to the doctors 

I have three doctors appointments next week.  If I would have chosen to do radiation I would have to go every day for five weeks to receive treatment.  I have an appointment trying to determine who should do my total hysterectomy, my regular ob/gyn or the gynecologic oncology surgeon whose office I have been going to every 6 months for a few years to make sure that I have no ovarian cancer.  Have I said that I am ready for big decisions to be done?  I totally am. 

These last several weeks I have spent with my family doing what I love, focusing on my children and trying my hardest not to think too hard about the past or the future.  I am trying to live in the present.  I am, like I tell Zoey when she has a special treat, trying to savor the moment.  We are going slow, taking it easy, and enjoying what we have.  We have a lot.  We have each other and that is enough.   

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Three years to the day my sister, Amy, beat breast cancer.  How is it possible that I just received this phone call… 

I just received a phone call from my breast surgeon. 

“Melissa, I wanted to call you with the news.  I didn’t want you to have to wait all weekend.” 

The suspense… My heart… Ahhhh!!!  What is it!?!?!

“Melissa, you had a complete pathological response to treatment.  There is no residual cancer in the tissue we took out or in the lymph nodes.”  

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!! 

“Yay!  Thank you so much for telling me!  Thank you so much!”  

“We’ll talk about more about what that means at your next doctor’s appointment.”  (August 24th)

So… I just beat cancers booty… I just beat cancer’s booty! 

“Whoa!

I feel good,

I knew that I would, now.

I feel good, I knew that I would. 

So good!  So good!” 

James Brown’s crazy song is playing in my head!  I feel good!  So good!  Hurray!!!  We did it!  Thank you God!!!

I am so happy!  I am ecstatic!!!

At the last appointment prior to my surgery my breast surgeon told me that I had a 20% chance of having a complete response to treatment… just 20%, folks!  That means that 80% of people still have cancer cells in their breast tissue or lymph nodes found during the mastectomy.  She said that the good news was that actually the more aggressive cancers, mine being one of them, actually respond to chemotherapy better.  

I have been waiting patiently for this news and I am so incredibly thankful!  She still hasn’t told me whether or not I will need radiation… but the news that I just received has me wanting to scream!!!!  Together with God, my medical team, my family and friends, my church support… We did it!  Praise the Lord!

I was a bit high from the meds, happy as a lark when my surgery was over. The nurse said “You are doing amazing!” Ron said, “the plastic surgeon was pleased and already able to put some saline in the expanders.” I was simply relieved. You know that feeling of fear that something might happen to you when you are under anesthesia and no longer have control over your body… that fear was gone and it was replaced with joy. Pure joy rushed in and I felt so happy that this huge surgery was over! I am really thankful to have had a positive experience. My doctors made sure that I knew before the surgery that they were going to take care of me and that always helps. They are phenomenal at their jobs.

God gave me an amazing family… a network of wonderful friends and a supportive church… I am so thrilled to have all of you in my life. Thank you for helping me climb these mountains.

My cousin Brooke sent me a get out of the hospital shirt. My cousin Kari sent me a butterfly pillow to hug. My sister sent me a button up shirt. Kara sent me a zip up hoodie… Carolyn sent some freezer meals. I have received thoughtful cards from my cheerleaders… My Dad and Kaye as well as the Veenstra side sent flowers. Thank you friends. Your encouragement means so much to me.

Now I rest. The day of my surgery I stood downstairs and talked to my sister-in-law Amy and Michelle for several minutes. Yesterday I had some dinner and playtime downstairs with the family. Slowly, but surely, I will get back to being me. I am tired, showering is a little tough, my movements have to be super cautious or pain shoots through my chest… but I am healing.

Thank you for helping me travel this road of hills and valleys. My love to you all. Rainbows, butterflies, and sunshine are coming and I will greet them all with a smile.

The first surgery of the day… Tuesday morning I will be having a double mastectomy with reconstruction. This is one step of many on my way to healing. It is the longest surgery yet. I will not be able to pick up anything over 10 lbs for 6 weeks, have drains (tubes with bulbs at the ends) most likely for at least 4 weeks, walk around like T-Rex for a while, and will undergo not only a major physical change, but also an emotional one.

If all goes well, they will send me home that day (because of COVID). I have been told by some people who underwent this procedure that they were out of it for 4 weeks, that they didn’t feel anywhere close to normal for eight weeks, etc. I am hoping that I bounce back from this stronger than ever… but I know it will be a test.

My heart is with my children. This is scary for me. It is really hard letting go of control. Ron is taking off the week of my surgery. We will also have help from Ron’s sister, Amy, for the first week and have hired a nanny, Michelle, for 9 a.m.-5 p.m. Monday-Friday for a minimum of 3 weeks after that. Would you pray for us all during this transition?

God can bring good from struggle, from pain, from trials. He can bring healing to bodies that have fought hard… Medicine has also advanced and my doctors are some of the best. I know this because I researched… ha! I can’t just trust anyone with this body! Pray for the doctors that do the work… Pray that my cancer is gone!

I will see another doctor shortly after surgery to check on my ovaries. Will you pray for that too?

I don’t know yet if I’ll need radiation or not. The surgeon said that even if I have a complete response to treatment, I may still need radiation. This is because of the questionable lymph node they were unable to get a biopsy of in the beginning. She will have to ask the tumor board. We are hoping for a complete pathological response, meaning no cancer cells are found in the tissue. After this surgery is complete and I have healed I will have another surgery to put the implants in and possibly more surgeries later. I may have to delay the second surgery if radiation is needed. I will also be getting a hysterectomy with bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy (uterus, ovaries, and Fallopian tubes removed) sometime in the near future.

I have hope that I am healed.

Muscles were weakened from chemo. I have neuropathy in my heal (mostly just the left side now) and a thumb nail that looks hideous… ha! I am living! I am enjoying the sunshine, my children, my husband! I don’t have time for pain! I do get scared… but by gosh I am going to get through this roller coaster. When this is all over you can bet I am going to take a beach vacation.

“Tired” is my daily existence lately, but last night I gave my constantly-teething peanut some Tylenol and for the first time in a long while we got some sleep. Phew! If you haven’t heard from me it is because exhaustion has set in. Just because I am tired doesn’t mean things are terrible. My oncologist tells me that I am doing well. Still, I feel like I am in a bit of a survival mode at times.

Health wise the mass can no longer be felt! I am having some lower abdominal/pelvic and lower back pain… I am hoping that it is either from pulling muscles doing yoga or carrying a 20ish pound (or more?) child around. My goals of taking better care of myself with excercise and sleep are a struggle, but we’ll get there.

I cried at chemo this past week. Waiting for the phlebotomist, then waiting for the doctor’s appointment, then waiting for the chemo treatment made me anxious. After a challenging week, the tears were released. Everything takes so long. This chemo takes only an hour to an hour and a half to administer, but the whole process often takes 5 hours.

I found out recently my tentative surgery date for the double mastectomy (It will be one surgery of a few.) is August 11th. I have four chemo’s left and then about 3.5 weeks off before more crazy begins. We are almost there!

A couple of weeks ago this earth lost an incredible lady. One of my best friends, and my “second family” growing up, lost a beautiful mom. Carla, I will miss you and your wisdom, love, and encouragement. You left your mark.

With sad news also came the great news that another friend’s scans came back clear after a battle with cancer. Sending love and light to all of you!

During all of this, my daughter has become a bit of a hat fashionista. When this is all over, I know a girl who will be wearing some of mommy’s old hats. I think she is rather cute.

Here’s my lovely girl… and mommy’s hats:

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I think my hair is starting to grow back. I am bald with the odd short hairs that never quite fell out and the newly present fuzz… not really visible yet from afar. I need to shave my legs… yep it’s happening!

When I was a baby I had hardly any hair. My nickname was “Peaches” for the fuzz on my head. So now I return to my youth. Just like a parent watches as their child’s hair grows in I wonder: what color will it be??? I hope not grey. 

Since the fever subsided I have since had three chemo treatments, and the fever hasn’t returned… Phew!!! I am 2 weeks behind schedule, but have only 7 treatments left. That means I am over halfway there! If everything goes to plan that is 2 more months of chemo. I am feeling pretty good overall. My echocardiogram went well. My heart looks great. My energy is returning. This week they said that my bloodwork levels are going up. No wonder I am starting to feel better.

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There are two ways to look at advancing years in life (aka birthdays): You can view them with dread or celebrate them with joy. 

When I turned thirty, I actually cried. I did not want to get older. It seems silly, but I was scared. My family history has made getting older a challenge. You see my fun-loving Aunt got cancer at 39, an uplifting Uncle in his early 40’s… my joy filled mother in her early 50’s, but she had a preventative double mastectomy in her early 40’s… another amazing aunt in her 50’s. (My sister was also diagnosed, but beat cancer. ). I have lost a lot of precious, beautiful souls while they were still young and full of life. So getting older to me has always been hard.

This past year, my 40th, was the year I truly felt was the turning point for all my health concerns. I did in fact get the disease I most feared: cancer. Cancer is teaching me many things. One of the things I am learning is to not dread or fear the future. When I turned 40, my world did not end. When I got cancer life shifted, yes, everything changed, but my future is still before me. 

Today, I can’t believe I am saying this: I turn 41! I can proudly look at the coming years and say: this is not the end. I have a beautiful life to celebrate and a future to meet with hope and love. I have the opportunity to not only celebrate the ordinary days, but to watch my babies grow and to stand proudly beside my husband. Gloria, one of the phlebotomists at the cancer center, calls us “the power couple.” I love that. So as I have always said, and I truly mean it now, in this family we celebrate birthdays. There is so much life to look forward to and lessons learned to celebrate… take a breath and enjoy each day… You have a future, a hope, and the joy of a life lived… a reason to dance.

Yet this I call to mind
    and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness. —Lamentations 3:21-23

Happy Birthday!